My Jokes Page
A collection of my favorite jokes, along with some bumper stickers and sayings that you're sure to get a laugh out of.
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Bumper Stickers
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
We have enough youth- how about a fountain of "smart"?
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Kitchen/ Household Sayings
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
My next house will have no kitchen -just vending machines.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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Two Penguins
A man pulls into a gas station, and the attendant notices that he has two penguins in the back seat of his car. "Say, why are there two penguins in the back of your car?" he asks.
"I don't know," the man said. "I just sort of found them and don't know what to do with them."
"Why don't you take them to the zoo?"
"Great idea!" the man says, and then drives away.
The man comes back the next day, and the attendant notices that the penguins are still in the back seat of his car. "I thought you took them to the zoo?" he asks.
"Oh, I did!" the man said excitedly, "and we had such a good time, that today, I'm taking them to the beach."
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The Bricklayer
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. Amazed, the
bartender says, "Hey, you can talk!"
"Sure, pal," says the duck. "Now can I get that drink?"
Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him
what he's doing in the area. "I work on the building site across the
street." says the duck.
"You should join the circus," says the barkeep. "You could make a mint."
"The circus?" the duck replies. "What the hell would the circus want
with a bricklayer?"
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Stunt Driver?
A car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off of a tree, and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
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Blockbuster in the Government
You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years- now, compare that to Blockbuster: You are two days late with a video and these people are all over you.
Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
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The Two Crazy Guys
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood,
so for public safety, he was committed. He's put into a room with another guy.
The resident Dr. goes in to see his new patient.
The Doc asks the first guy why he has been sent to the hospital.
The guys replies, "Doc, I don't know... I'm perfectly sane!"
The Doc then asks the new crazy the same thing and immediately he begins his routine,
"I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The first guy looks at him and yells, "I did not!"
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The Memory Test
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times
three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What
is three times three?"
"Tuesday." replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's
three times three?"
"Nine." says the third man.
"That's great," says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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The Essay
A creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing these four elements:
1) religion
2) royalty
3) sex
4) suspense
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
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The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding
marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break
every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom,
and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my
garden plowed."
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The Sign
"What happened to you?" asked a hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went to the Amusement Park over the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.
"As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided
to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time.
As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
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